Thankful or no Thanks?

It is Thanksgiving. As I sit in my Aunts farm house in Connecticut, I realize how much I miss sharing my thoughts and feelings on this blog. So I’m bringing it back. With a vengeance.

 

However before that happens, I must explain where I am. I’m currently sitting in a plush CT farm house with my family. I have lived in NYC for 6 months. I work at a large, global, massive, 130+ office advertising agency.

I have a 401(k) savings retirement plan. I am saving already for my retirement.

Ok now rewind. How did I get here? What did I do? What didn’t I do?

This 20 something girl is no longer 21. But my eyes very much so feel focused and stuck on that lens. So I shall keep the name. The rest of the contents of this blog, however, are changing. I’m using this as a chance to explain to all and myself how this crazy stage of 20 in my life is supposed to go. Is there really any correct way to go about being 20? Is there something I’m missing?

I’m terrified.

I’m single.

I turn 23 in less than a month.

I support myself.

What is wrong with this picture? Absolutely nothing. I’m cute. I’m fun. Yet sometimes, somehow, I feel inadequate. I feel like I don’t belong. Why am I like this? What is standing in my way of happiness? Am I not happy?

 

A lot of my best friends have asked me if I’m happy lately. I always respond, I mean I could be happier.

So let me divulge. What can I do in specific that would make me happier? What am I missing?

Taking a shower and will be back to ponder further.

I’m movin’ On

I’m sitting on my couch on an incredibly lazy Saturday afternoon. It seems that I have dropped the ball more than I would have liked and have a good amount to say.

1. I am graduated. I can’t believe I’m done with college. There was snow on the ground that morning, I made sure to attend all of my best friends parties, and I spent quality time with my family. I walked across the stage, shook the Deans hand, and accepted the inevitability of age. It is a very surreal feeling to be done. You can’t really describe it until it happens, and then when it does, you’re like woah. There it went. I feel very vulnerable right now as this part of my life has ended.

2. I have received an internship at an agency in NYC so I am moving there in 2 weeks.  This is my dream. Working at this agency is my dream. It feels so right in every single way. I can not wait to prove myself. I can not wait to give it my life. I can’t wait to start a new life. Crazy right? My life is about to completely turn on its head. The only way I know of to describe it is through the rascal flats song I’m movin’ on. Here are the lyrics and I will analyze as I go:

I’ve dealt with my ghosts and I’ve faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I’m at peace with myself
I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I’m movin’ on

(I feel like I know myself more than I ever have in my life. I am finally surrounded by people that adore me, that I adore who bring out the absolute best in me.)

I’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they’re always the same
They mean me no harm but it’s time that I face it
They’ll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don’t belong
I’m movin’ on

(I have lived in Colorado for the majority of my life. I need to branch out, spread my wings, and change to whoever I want or need to be. I’ve found myself enough by now to know where I can be and that I can do it. I have my doubts, but I know now that home, at least for now, is where I don’t belong.)

I’m movin’ on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there’s no guarantees, but I’m not alone
There comes a time in everyone’s life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn’t
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I’ve loved like I should but lived like I shouldn’t
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road

(These next few weeks are going to feel a lot like this. I know it. I’m terrified. But deep down I know I can do it. I have to do it. I have to find the boldness inside of me)

Curls

It is a Saturday morning at 9 am and I’m up. WTF. I am up. First off that is supa weird. Second off, all of my roommates (well Cait is out of town) are up to. One has work, one has work in a lab for a thesis and the other is doing spring cleaning. (Whatever that means.)

My personality has always been kind of nuts and chaotic. I am not normal. I am not average. I’m different. I’m crazy. I’m creative. I love expressing myself in any way possible which is why I love advertising. I love fashion. I love all forms of creative expression. This means I need to put my “money” or my “words” where my mouth is. If I claim to be like this, I need to actually be like this, and not just through my hipster attire and skinny purple pants that I love.

I decided that I really need to write this post, however. This is because I am doing something extremely scary next Saturday at approximately 4 pm.

I AM GETTING EXTENSIONS. This is a big, huge day for me. The reason is that in all 22 years of my life, I have never (well for the last 12 years) worn my hair down and CURLY. I have always straightened it. I am getting these extensions as a way of going back to my curls. My mom was super weary at first but she has always wanted me to go back to being curly so I finally got her to accept it.I am going to the cutest salon EVER Rebelle, and the girl Lindsay is really good.

I am going curly again. This is such a big deal. I want to look like a combo of these fine ladies:

A lot of people aren’t going to recognize me and will be shocked but I am so so excited to show the world who I am really am and to be proud of that. I am a curly haired girl. Always have been, always will be and it is time the world sees it and knows it.

I am going to look rock star. Fresh. Different.

Walgreens

I feel really bad about this post. This is because a few weeks ago post work-out, I decided to stop by Walgreens. Not exactly with my best wishes, but I accompanied my friend Lauren who wanted to buy a few random things before her trip away for the weekend. (Little did she know that trip was never to happen- I’ll tell you about that some other time.) It was the first time I had been in any sort of Walgreens in a while. Let me just tell you- I was bitter. I bought a little snack and drink for myself and aimlessly wandered around. I looked high and low but I couldn’t seem to find one thing that I actually needed. I saw bunnies, makeup, candy, cards, hair products, lotions, and more apple core dividers than I ever thought possible.

That is when it hit me:

Walgreens houses a whole, whole bunch of SHIT. I hate to say it- but in general Walgreens loves to sell you 95% of things you don’t need. Like I dont need Easter baskets,candy, or ANYTHING seen on infomercials.

One Problem: Today I literally ate my words. I straight up put my foot in my mouth. I am not feeling well- have been feeling really sick so I needed to pick up a prescription. I had to go to Walgreens. I also bough cough drops and sandwhich bags (we were out in my house). All of those things I actually needed. I didn’t buy anything from informaercials. Instead it was all valid, helpful, and convenient.

I am so sorry I doubted you Walgreens.

You better still have snuggies next time I’m in the store.

Lessons Learned From Commercials, part 3,804

Lessons Learned From Commercials, part 3,804.

fist in the stomache

I sit here at 9 am on the Thursday before I must return back to school for my last semester of college. It’s weird that 1. I’m up now 2. I’m not sleeping 3. I’m not hungover- I went out last night

I forgot how much I love being able to vent my thoughts- its been too long so I wanted to just strut my intellectual stuff if that is possible.

I don’t have a new years resolution yet. Does that make me a bad person? I mean sure there are things that I want to work on. I want to be healthier, be hotter, be a better friend. The average”new years” resolutions that places that Jenny Craig and Yoga studios thrive on in January. I’m sure during this time their memberships increase as people think, this is the PERFECT time for me to get in shape. Or at least appear that way.

I actually think that this year will be the best and most productive year yet WITHOUT a new years resolution.

By not having a resolution, I am forced to look at my life on a broader scale. Instead of trying to change one superficial imperfection, I am forced to evaluate the whole package.

Rebellious of me to admit? Probably.

Why you might ask?

Because as of May 7th, I have no flippin’ idea what I am going to do with my life. I don’t know where I’ll be working (if anywhere). If I’ll have a job. If I’ll have interviews. Thinking about this in great detail gives me a feeling of pressure. It puts this heavy weight in my stomach that can’t be lifted. I kind of feel like I’ve been punched. I feel like the wind has been knocken’ out of me so hard that it makes it hard to get back up. Someone has put a huge punch with their curled up fist into my stomach and masked it by calling it college graduation.

I don’t know if I am the only one who feels like this. I know that a lot of my friends have no idea what they’re doing either. But then again, I have a few friends who have plans.

Am I moving to Chicago? Am I moving to NYC? Am I moving out of the country? Am I traveling? Can I travel? Can I make it on my own? Am I interning? Will I get a starting position somewhere? Better? Am I ready for this next stage in my life?

Whether I am ready or not, it is so close I can taste it. It is 2010. Twenty Ten. The year I graduate. 3/4 of the year I have absolutely no plan.

I am the queen planner. I am organized. My room is immaculate. My bed is made every morning. I send Thank You cars when needed. (Just reminds me I need to send some out).

I don’t know why I can’t cope with what is going on in my life right now. I mean I know I don’t have a choice but to cope, but I still remain freaked out.

I think it comes from the pressure I put on myself. I want to be great. I know I am great. I want others to see my greatness. Will they?

With every question asked, that fist churns even deeper into me.

Lately, I have been obsessed with the tv show Gossip Girl. Half of my friends are surprised it took me this long to give in from the fashion, the other half know how much I love New York City.

A part of me is missing when I’m not in New York City.

So why am I not moving there once I graduate?

Why am I not just packing my bags and heading to the place where dreams are made? What are my dreams? Is New York one of them?

Maybe I’ll go to a psychic. The last time I did that was in NYC actually. It was when I was deciding if I should transfer schools or stay in NYC. The psychic told me to stay and that it was my calling and I would rise ahead for greatness. I didn’t listen to her and transferred.

Should I have listened to the psychic?

I have got to clear my head.

The weird thing is, I know deep down that it will all work out.

The universe, whether I chose to accept it, will unfold as it should. It’s really terrifying however, not knowing how it will unfold. In what capacities. In what directions.

If you had to give advice to a 22 year old graduating? *Yes, I am 22 now. Birthday was in December*

What would you say? What would you do differently? What is the single most important thing I should be thinking right now?

You belong with me

Don’t get too excited- this post is not about Taylor Swift.

I’ve made all of these recent observations lately and its made me decide to write them down. Plus, I’ve been so busy lately that I really haven’t had time to sit down and write something insightful (at least in my mind) in a while.

Finals came and went. Projects came and went. The snow came and went. (hopefully more will come to grant everyone that “white Christmas” that they crave.

People love to be  a “part” of something. When I saw this, I mean many different things. Some people (and by some I mean most), LOVE to namedrop all of the things that they belong to. I’ve focused on this a lot recently in my Buyer Behavior class. Different reference groups and group influences allow you to try to associate yourself with others or in groups with others. It is human nature. But I still think it’s funny. Like at CU, people love to define themselves by what sorority or fraternity they’re in. Then if you are an advertising major, you should automatically dislike the “marketing” kids who don’t have as hard of a time as you do but they steal your internships and jobs at times. Also, if you live on the hill, you’re a certain kind of person. Wearing uggs? Someone will think something of it.

Hell, they’re probably putting you in groups that you don’t even put yourself in.

The most random account of this I can think of it cruise ships. I’ve been on a few cruises before and let me tell you, if you’ve cruised once you are in the “my family like to cruise” category. Because of this, you will always love to meet others to tell them what number of a cruise you’re on and if they match, you automatically understand each other.

It is like a secret pact. There is always that girl in the corner from some snobby suburban town close to a big city (think Chicago or NYC) who has bene on 21 cruises. She says this with an air of confidence as she elaborately goes into the 3 month cruise her family took from Australia to South America. Blah. Give me a Break. I just threw up a little in my mouth.

I wonder where I fall. What groups am I classified in?  I know the groups I would never want to be apart of.

MEAN GIRLS. I hope to never be like these bias below.

If I am EVER like this, I hope someone slaps me upside the head.

Peddle to the Meddle

So lately I have been plugging away rigorously at- well everything.

I will just number all I’ve had on my plate which might not appear to be a lot but really is:

1. searching for my future

actually very hard to explain

2. making a presentation to pitch at a huge ad agency in boulder

3. creating a marketing proposal

4. singing/ acting/ rehearsing in a French musical

5. Putting together my brand identity deck and presentation

6. teaching 6th graders still

7. not sleeping

8. not eating

9. not working out

SO in essence, this is my life right now.

I’ll be more insightful come Friday/ this weekend.

I promise.

Vinyls

I’ve mentioned this in passing but it is time that it gets a bit of individual attention.

I own a gorgeous record player. Below is the exact player that I own a Jensen 3 speed.

Artists/ Records that I own:

(I have to say before I go into detail, I am not listing all of my records because going through all of them is difficult and time consuming.)

The Carpenters, The Big Chill, The Eagles, James Taylor, The Beatles, Disney classics, Fleetwood Mac, Saturday Night Fever, Top Gun, John Denver, Bruce Springsteen and the E Street band, Cat Stevens, Carly Simon, Stevie Wonder, Lionel Richie, Billy Joel, Elton John…

People don’t understand why I am so in love with my records. It’s because music sounds so dramatically better on it. If people only realized that I think everyone would have one. I have observed also that there is something truly unique about listening to a record from start to finish and listening to the flow of songs. Listening to one song next to the other in the sequence it was meant to be listened to is really amazing. I can’t describe it, it has to be experienced. Also, you can really hear the different instruments and the beats and rhythms that make up songs. My Beatles record, for example, flows from one song to the next amazingly. There are all of these hidden tracks and instrumental rifts to songs so you can’t really pick out when one song ends and another starts. It’s also a great conversation starter and reason for people to come over. People are always like “My parents have so many records I’ll bring them for you.” I’ve heard so many people tell me this by now that I no longer think they’re going to follow through because they haven’t so far.

Also have you ever heard that scratchy sound that records make pre-song? It is so indescribable! I love that sound. I love picking up the needle and placing it on the record. I love turning the record after a measly 6 songs.

The other day I found this website that featured the 10 Best Songs for Friends. (RANDOM right?)

http://top40.about.com/od/top10lists/tp/friendshipsongs.htm

One of the artists,  Corinne Bailey Rae sings about putting your records on. She sings:

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favorite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.
You’re gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

Maybe that is what I need to do, let my hair down and put some records on.

Edward ScissorClaws

Every once in a while, a truly remarkable story happens. The kind of story that you want the world to know. While procrastinating studying for my Buyer Behavior exam tomorrow, I find it only appropriate to share this story with the world. If you were one of the lucky few that witnessed this, you can agree just how ridiculous it was.

So a few weekends ago I had my four best girl friends come visit me who I met abroad. These girls know me really well. We spent every moment together abroad. From  getting along in France using our French with our all-too-typical American accents to laughing at the French have a hard time distinguishing and differentiating the words bitch and beach and shit and sheet (it’s a really fun game, try it with a French person some time), we have all been through a lot.

Of course by nature this story had to happen when they visited. One of the girls visiting has a few very close friends from Chicago who also attend CU. The weekend I spent a good amount of time with these boys as well seeing that they wanted to see her as much as I did during her 48-hour visit.

So we decide to go one of the guys houses, located just off of the Hill  (the general student ZONE at CU loaded with student houses.)I should have known it would make a good story when the reason we went initially was to meet Desi, the puppy who one of the boys (who shall remain nameless for identity purposes and because I want him to still be my friend is he reads this) was obsessed with. “Desi is the cutest dog ever,” he says. Yeah ok, whatever, I think. My house has a dog, Steve. In my mind Steve is the cutest dog. Everyone thinks that their dog is the cutest.

Of all of my years at CU (four) I have never been into a house with so many animals. We walk in and Desi, (yes I will admit the puppy was VERY cute as a German Shepherd with blue eyes) attacks us. The guy picks her up and starts kissing her open mouthed. They are full on making out. Then we notice a strange case on the side. He explains to us that it is his houses’s ecosystem, or terrarium. He holds up Salamanders, lizards, and points to the pond. He tells us that he probably goes to Petsmart like once a week. IN COLLEGE? GET OUT OF HERE. I can not believe that him and his roomates go to Petsmart once a week to buy an animal or food to keep up the “ecosystem.”

Then he gets tip-tup who is in solitary confinement for murdering 6 other fish in a pot. My girls and I get heated because we’re thinking that this is mean! Tip-Tup didn’t chose to murder the fish. He was hungry. Maybe they all shouldn’t be put to live together like a big happy college family.

Then one of the girls screams in the bathroom and runs out. She goes, “OMG there is a crab in the toilet!” The guy goes, ” oh yeah sorry about that I meant to flush.”  (thinking she said crap) “Wait, what, how can you go to the bathroom and have that come out?” “OOOO the CRAB. yeah that is not for you that is for H.”

ok so recap. E goes to the bathroom and sees a crab in the toilet that is not there for her, it is there for H. Wow.

So we all start laughing at the craziness of this situation. Crazy until it gets documented.

So there is Edward Scissorclaws in  the toilet. This spurs the following conversation:

Warning: If you get offended easily don’t read this

 

B: edward was no scrub….

 

T: you guys are so disgusting, not to mention inhumane poor tiptup has been living in a cooking pot the size of his shell for the past two weeks

 

I: t, do the three of us have to ground you again for these comments.

 

did you or did you not put a fish down the garbage disposal? …I rest my case

 

E: Yeah well I was the one who ran into the bathroom bc I had to go so bad and what guess who is staring up at me about to pinch my butt!?!?! Not one of the better boulder experiences…

 

B: he was dead he could not have pinched ur butt!!!! and t ur grounded!!! no cell phone for a week either!

 

J: i think maybe the picture of eric making out with your dog should get some more shout outs…i’m tired at looking at this picture…i throw up in my mouth a little each time

 

H: way to make a joke about a sensitive subject…edward was a good crab.

 

B: a damn good crab…the best ive ever owned

J: still throwing up in my mouth a little

 

A: if only tiptup got the same level of respect as edward…

I: Edward didnt kill Jackie Chan, scruffy, and sub zero plus many others…tip tup is getting the respect he deserves…he was sentenced by a fair and impartial trial and sentenced to life in prison

 

H: As I understood things tiptup did receive due process…and a jury trial was carried out

A: what is tiptup’s current status – is he still locked away?

 

I: yes of course hes locked away A, what dont you understand about life sentences? He will be locked away untiil we get a snake and have to lose him

 

T: if you get a snake I might have to report you to animal inhumane societies…not kidding

Oh college. The guys need a hobby other than buying animals and putting them in the toilet.