I sit here at 9 am on the Thursday before I must return back to school for my last semester of college. It’s weird that 1. I’m up now 2. I’m not sleeping 3. I’m not hungover- I went out last night
I forgot how much I love being able to vent my thoughts- its been too long so I wanted to just strut my intellectual stuff if that is possible.
I don’t have a new years resolution yet. Does that make me a bad person? I mean sure there are things that I want to work on. I want to be healthier, be hotter, be a better friend. The average”new years” resolutions that places that Jenny Craig and Yoga studios thrive on in January. I’m sure during this time their memberships increase as people think, this is the PERFECT time for me to get in shape. Or at least appear that way.
I actually think that this year will be the best and most productive year yet WITHOUT a new years resolution.
By not having a resolution, I am forced to look at my life on a broader scale. Instead of trying to change one superficial imperfection, I am forced to evaluate the whole package.
Rebellious of me to admit? Probably.
Why you might ask?
Because as of May 7th, I have no flippin’ idea what I am going to do with my life. I don’t know where I’ll be working (if anywhere). If I’ll have a job. If I’ll have interviews. Thinking about this in great detail gives me a feeling of pressure. It puts this heavy weight in my stomach that can’t be lifted. I kind of feel like I’ve been punched. I feel like the wind has been knocken’ out of me so hard that it makes it hard to get back up. Someone has put a huge punch with their curled up fist into my stomach and masked it by calling it college graduation.
I don’t know if I am the only one who feels like this. I know that a lot of my friends have no idea what they’re doing either. But then again, I have a few friends who have plans.
Am I moving to Chicago? Am I moving to NYC? Am I moving out of the country? Am I traveling? Can I travel? Can I make it on my own? Am I interning? Will I get a starting position somewhere? Better? Am I ready for this next stage in my life?
Whether I am ready or not, it is so close I can taste it. It is 2010. Twenty Ten. The year I graduate. 3/4 of the year I have absolutely no plan.
I am the queen planner. I am organized. My room is immaculate. My bed is made every morning. I send Thank You cars when needed. (Just reminds me I need to send some out).
I don’t know why I can’t cope with what is going on in my life right now. I mean I know I don’t have a choice but to cope, but I still remain freaked out.
I think it comes from the pressure I put on myself. I want to be great. I know I am great. I want others to see my greatness. Will they?
With every question asked, that fist churns even deeper into me.
Lately, I have been obsessed with the tv show Gossip Girl. Half of my friends are surprised it took me this long to give in from the fashion, the other half know how much I love New York City.
A part of me is missing when I’m not in New York City.
So why am I not moving there once I graduate?
Why am I not just packing my bags and heading to the place where dreams are made? What are my dreams? Is New York one of them?
Maybe I’ll go to a psychic. The last time I did that was in NYC actually. It was when I was deciding if I should transfer schools or stay in NYC. The psychic told me to stay and that it was my calling and I would rise ahead for greatness. I didn’t listen to her and transferred.
Should I have listened to the psychic?
I have got to clear my head.
The weird thing is, I know deep down that it will all work out.
The universe, whether I chose to accept it, will unfold as it should. It’s really terrifying however, not knowing how it will unfold. In what capacities. In what directions.
If you had to give advice to a 22 year old graduating? *Yes, I am 22 now. Birthday was in December*
What would you say? What would you do differently? What is the single most important thing I should be thinking right now?
Hybrid {21} 
