Edward ScissorClaws

Every once in a while, a truly remarkable story happens. The kind of story that you want the world to know. While procrastinating studying for my Buyer Behavior exam tomorrow, I find it only appropriate to share this story with the world. If you were one of the lucky few that witnessed this, you can agree just how ridiculous it was.

So a few weekends ago I had my four best girl friends come visit me who I met abroad. These girls know me really well. We spent every moment together abroad. From  getting along in France using our French with our all-too-typical American accents to laughing at the French have a hard time distinguishing and differentiating the words bitch and beach and shit and sheet (it’s a really fun game, try it with a French person some time), we have all been through a lot.

Of course by nature this story had to happen when they visited. One of the girls visiting has a few very close friends from Chicago who also attend CU. The weekend I spent a good amount of time with these boys as well seeing that they wanted to see her as much as I did during her 48-hour visit.

So we decide to go one of the guys houses, located just off of the Hill  (the general student ZONE at CU loaded with student houses.)I should have known it would make a good story when the reason we went initially was to meet Desi, the puppy who one of the boys (who shall remain nameless for identity purposes and because I want him to still be my friend is he reads this) was obsessed with. “Desi is the cutest dog ever,” he says. Yeah ok, whatever, I think. My house has a dog, Steve. In my mind Steve is the cutest dog. Everyone thinks that their dog is the cutest.

Of all of my years at CU (four) I have never been into a house with so many animals. We walk in and Desi, (yes I will admit the puppy was VERY cute as a German Shepherd with blue eyes) attacks us. The guy picks her up and starts kissing her open mouthed. They are full on making out. Then we notice a strange case on the side. He explains to us that it is his houses’s ecosystem, or terrarium. He holds up Salamanders, lizards, and points to the pond. He tells us that he probably goes to Petsmart like once a week. IN COLLEGE? GET OUT OF HERE. I can not believe that him and his roomates go to Petsmart once a week to buy an animal or food to keep up the “ecosystem.”

Then he gets tip-tup who is in solitary confinement for murdering 6 other fish in a pot. My girls and I get heated because we’re thinking that this is mean! Tip-Tup didn’t chose to murder the fish. He was hungry. Maybe they all shouldn’t be put to live together like a big happy college family.

Then one of the girls screams in the bathroom and runs out. She goes, “OMG there is a crab in the toilet!” The guy goes, ” oh yeah sorry about that I meant to flush.”  (thinking she said crap) “Wait, what, how can you go to the bathroom and have that come out?” “OOOO the CRAB. yeah that is not for you that is for H.”

ok so recap. E goes to the bathroom and sees a crab in the toilet that is not there for her, it is there for H. Wow.

So we all start laughing at the craziness of this situation. Crazy until it gets documented.

So there is Edward Scissorclaws in  the toilet. This spurs the following conversation:

Warning: If you get offended easily don’t read this

 

B: edward was no scrub….

 

T: you guys are so disgusting, not to mention inhumane poor tiptup has been living in a cooking pot the size of his shell for the past two weeks

 

I: t, do the three of us have to ground you again for these comments.

 

did you or did you not put a fish down the garbage disposal? …I rest my case

 

E: Yeah well I was the one who ran into the bathroom bc I had to go so bad and what guess who is staring up at me about to pinch my butt!?!?! Not one of the better boulder experiences…

 

B: he was dead he could not have pinched ur butt!!!! and t ur grounded!!! no cell phone for a week either!

 

J: i think maybe the picture of eric making out with your dog should get some more shout outs…i’m tired at looking at this picture…i throw up in my mouth a little each time

 

H: way to make a joke about a sensitive subject…edward was a good crab.

 

B: a damn good crab…the best ive ever owned

J: still throwing up in my mouth a little

 

A: if only tiptup got the same level of respect as edward…

I: Edward didnt kill Jackie Chan, scruffy, and sub zero plus many others…tip tup is getting the respect he deserves…he was sentenced by a fair and impartial trial and sentenced to life in prison

 

H: As I understood things tiptup did receive due process…and a jury trial was carried out

A: what is tiptup’s current status – is he still locked away?

 

I: yes of course hes locked away A, what dont you understand about life sentences? He will be locked away untiil we get a snake and have to lose him

 

T: if you get a snake I might have to report you to animal inhumane societies…not kidding

Oh college. The guys need a hobby other than buying animals and putting them in the toilet.

ROOMATEYS

college is so weird. think about it. you openly choose to live with a bunch of random girls or guys and hope you get along.

sometimes you do. sometimes you don’t. you definitely learn who you can live with though and who you can’t.

The best are the super weird roommates. You know the kind of people that make you wonder “What planet are you from?” These people don’t 1. shower 2. clean 3. recognize your existence 4. add any presence to your house. It is really strange that you rightfully choose to live with them but then when it doesn’t work out you bitch people out.

Here is the top list of things that I think are necessary to be a good roommate:

1. Cleanliness

2. Consideration

3. Respect

4. Open-mindedness

5. Cooking skills (ok maybe that is a little harsh to claim)

The “Rules”

When it comes to dating, we live in very confusing times. Oftentimes at my shoe store we talk about what College was like for my bosses. Now my bosses are by no means old, but hearing their opinions slightly freak me out. They weren’t nearly as connected as we all are nowadays. Think about it. Everyone owns a phone. Everyone texts. Everyone calls. Everyone checks their e-mails, facebooks, AND twitters on their phones. There really isn’t a point in time when we AREN’T all connected to the entire world around us. Now compare this trait, truly characteristic to Millennials, with Gen X and Baby Boomers. My mom loves to lecture me that when she went out on dates she would have to plan long in advance for the date. She would have to be reliable because unless she was home, she wouldn’t know who was looking for her. Imagine what life would be like without your cell phone. Pretty liberating. Pretty darn liberating.
Or would it be? I forget how connected I am to everyone else. I love the online world and the depth of knowledge available at my fingertips. At the same time however, I think it is really detrimental. I think that we take advantage of how connected we are and as a result we mask behind this deep longing to be connected. It’s kind of sad if you think about it. We try to be SO connected to the world around us to prove to others that we are connected. But we’re not. We’re not able to just see people eye to eye. We are losing the ability to relate to others on a personal level.
Sometimes I try to imagine what life would be like if I lived in a time before cell phones. Were guys any different back then? I bet they weren’t.
Was life different back then? I bet it was. I have this hunching suspicion that people had to be a lot more accountable and a lot less sketchy. If you were going to a certain bar or party or house back in the day you had to go. You didn’t have a choice if you wanted to flake out and text someone.
Did you know that some people have come up with certain acceptable rules for dating.
Here are the top 10 rules for women:

1. Be a Creature unlike any other. Being a creature unlike any other is really an attitude, a sense of confidence and radiance that permeates your being from head to toe. It’s the way you smile (you light up the room), pause in between sentences (you don’t babble on out of nervousness), listen (attentively), look (demurely, never stare), breathe (slowly), stand (straight) and walk (briskly, with your shoulders back). When a relationship doesn’t work out, you brush away a tear so that it doesn’t smudge your makeup and you move on!

2. Show up to parties, dances and social events even if you don’t feel like it. Realize that you may not meet Mr. Right naturally and that you therefore must take social action immediately even if you don’t want to. Get a manicure and go out on another date or to that singles dance — do something to increase your chances of meeting men.

3. Its a fantasy relationship unless a man asks you out. 
Don’t waste time on a fantasy relationship. You may have a good rapport with your doctor, lawyer or accountant, and you may find yourself wondering if he is interested in you romantically. How can you know for sure? If he’s never asked you out, then He’s Just Not That Into You!

4. In an office romance, do not email him back everytime he emails you unless it is business related. On all non-business e-mails, responding once for every four of his e-mails is a good rule of thumb. Remember, you never know who has access to your e-mail, so keep all romance off the screen and save it for Saturday nights.

5. If you are in a long distance relationship, he should visit you three times before you visit him. Remember, the first three visits are really nothing more than three dates… and on the first three dates we don’t sleep with a man or have him stay at our place overnight.

6.When considering whether to use personal ads or other dating services, you should place the ad and let men respond to you. It goes back to the basic premise of The Rules: Man pursues woman. When writing your ad, remember that every man has a type, a voice or a look he likes. There has to be a spark for him that attracts him to you, something that makes him find you unexplainably special.

7. If he doesn’t call then he is not that interested. Period. We know this is hard to accept, but it’s not that he hasn’t called because he’s busy, or because you didn’t smile or talk enough (or did too much). It’s not that he lost your phone number. The bottom line is, if he hasn’t called, he’s not that interested.

8. Close the deal- rules women do not date longer than 2 years. 
If you’ve followed The Rules, your man probably loves you and wants to marry you. Your problem is not if he marries you, but when! If it’s been more than a year, see less of him and think about dating others. You’ve already spent more than a year waiting for him to propose; do you have another year to wait?

9. Buyer Beware: Observe his behavior do you don’t end up with Mr. Wrong. 
Love may be blind, but Rules girls are not stupid! How does he act in the relationship? Is he cheap on dates? Is he critical of you? Remember, The Rules are not about marrying the first man you are attracted to who calls you by Wednesday for Saturday night and buys you flowers. It’s about marrying your own personal Mr. Right — a man whom you love and whose character you admire and can live with.

10. Keep doing the RULES even when things are slow.
Take care of yourself, take a bubble bath and build up your soul with positive slogans like “I am a beautiful woman. I am enough.”
You must learn to accept that, as an adult, you can’t always rely on a friend to do things with you. Even if you don’t meet Mr. Right, going out — whether it’s a restaurant, lecture or party — is a chance to meet new people and practice The Rules.

Are the rules old fashioned? Should there even be rules for dating?

May I resume now…

I’ve been treating this space more like a venting ground, but I feel it is necessary to go on for a moment about the ultimate, stupid-est (yes I made up a word), thing that I have been dealing with lately.

Resumés.

In order to offer some help other than just bashing the general topic, I thought I would disclose something I found when googling the topic.

The first thing to look at here is the purpose of your resume. The purpose of your resume is to get you interviews. If your resume is getting you interviews, then it is considered to be a good resume. If your resume isn’t getting you interviews, then you should change it.

Two, your resume should tell your story. If you’re a college graduate looking for your first job, a one-page resume is just fine. But, if you have a longer story, your resume needs to be longer. You want put your experience on your resume, so resume readers can tell when, and for whom, you did what.

Three, if you’re long on experience, then short resumes are not appropriate. The real audience for these short resumes is people with short attention spans and low IQs. I assure you that, when your resume gets into the right hands, it will be read thoroughly.

Four, short resumes are not appropriate, if you have to use a small (7-point) font, to get your resume onto one page. Resume readers don’t like eyestrain, and if your resume is mechanically challenging, they just throw it aside for one that is easier on the eyes.

Five, in light of the current emailing scenario, your longer than one-page resume is no problem because recruiters will copy and paste it into their databases. And once it is in there, and searchable, you have accomplished one of your goals of resume distribution.

Six, short resumes are not appropriate, if you have to sacrifice clarity in order to get your resume onto one page. Why? Because resume readers don’t like to guess, and most won’t call you to clarify what is on your resume.

Ok now I may resume. Pardon the pun. I think resumés are the stupidest thing in the ENTIRE world. Honestly. I really can not tell you enough how much I despise them. I understand the purpose of them in providing a template for employers who have no idea where we are from, but in all reality they don’t shed a light on anything but the ability to write a good resume. That is it. Zilch. Nadda. Nuthin’. I don’t think they highlight a candidates strengths. If anything, they highlight how much we suck up and pretend to be interested in a particular job. In some ways we might be interested but in reality, we don’t even know what we’re doing.

Capoeira

“It’s a dance that fights, it’s a fight that dances.” (or at least that is what is claimed on the brochure that I stole from the events board in the ATLAS building on campus)

Let me open up by saying that I have never seen a capoeira dance, but it is on my list of things to do. The reason I decided to open with it, is because the first hybrid of interests that I crave is culture. I learned so much about myself and the American way of life as I lived and traveled in Europe. My love for a culture different than my own  (which I’m not exposed to in Boulder) … ((as much as I love Boulder, we all know that it isn’t that diverse.)) will be sprinkled about sporadically as it affects my newly legal, Buffalo football game tailgate party attending, French musical producing, on the verge of independence claiming life.

I was told about the Capoeira dance from a Brazilian girl I met in Europe. I’m not going to lie, the girl was a tad bit strange,  but I was intrigued to learn of something that I knew nothing about: the Capoeira. This dance is a unique game that is dangerous and influences break dancing, hip hop, jazz, and more. It was one of many cultural weapons used to break the chains of slavery in Brazil.

I spent January through June of 2009 studying in a college town of about 140,000 (40,000 of which were students) titled, Aix-en-Provence. Below you will find a compilation of the emotions felt throughout that experience there.

1. The Bisous

“I am so awkward when I meet new people, who obviously give the kiss on both cheeks as the French way. And being an American I forget that and am nervous as it, so I constantly forget just making it more awkward.”

2. Madison

I began to integrate into the French College Student Way of Life.
“Tonight I just got back from a French Dance class located at the Engineering School on ‘Le Rock and Roll.’ So naturally we all were wondering what the hell this entailed- well in case you were wondering it is swing dancing! It is the craze in France right now and its just hilarious. They teach the basic easy steps and then you get into another big dance move, and I am completely lost when we’re swing dancing to Britney Spears. That brings me to another point, everywhere you go you hear the worst and tackiest American music. I’m talking like horrible, and by horrible, which is relative in music, however the Grease Soundtrack can not be heard more. We danced with the weirdo French boys the majority of the night and were ready to leave after our feet hurt from dancing our hearts out to “Go Grease Lightning” met some cute French boys at the end though. They started talking to us by asking if we knew the Madison. They said it like “MED-EE-SUN”. I was like no what it that? I thought that maybe they were referring to the French word for doctor, “medecin”, but then they started to do this dance. It turns out they were talking about this popular French dance that they think all of the American kids are doing. It is very 1970’s “hustle” like, kind of electric slide like and there are different versions- but everyone is doing it. They tried to teach us but we couldn’t get one part of it.

3. Study, Shmudy

“I am attending IEFEE. This is the institute of french studies for foreign students. All classes are IEFEE are taught in French. You are required to take a certain amount of Language per week (grammar, vocab, labs…) of either 12 hours or 10 and then you have to take 2-4 electives in addition that are taught once a week. The electives are more lecture styled. The language classes remind me of elementary school. We have one teacher for like 6 hours. We do lots of exercises and participate a lot. We don’t really have homework or like exams/papers though. (Maybe we do and I just haven’t been given a syllabus yet.) The French teaching style is obviously very different than the US and it is really interesting to see. If my French professor didn’t resemble Hugh Grant, I might be more upset. ( ; ”

4. And then I got a concussion in Belgium.

“So I woke up on sat. morning and went to the bathroom and was really faint and, well I fainted. I also passed out because I fainted so hard hit my head. I hit it really hard when I passed out and started bleeding out of my head. I actually split open my head and had to take an ambulance to the hospital in Brussels. Trying to explain how you feel in French when you are on a stretcher in a foreign country.. Let me tell you that is a new experience. I have a gash on the back of my head and I had to get stitches- they were worried that it was concussion. Once I started to puke in the hospital, they knew that I had a concussion. I learned a lot of new words that day. My theory- they should teach you the really important words in foreign languages first (like words to use in the HOSPITAL.) Luckily, the Cat scan came back and I am fine, ha. Wow. That was a minor (kidding) part of that trip. I didn’t get to go to Bruges that day with the rest of my friends and instead became friends with these two guys from BU (Boston University) who were really nice. Love Hostels. Their beds were right next to mine, in the white room. They even bought me a chocolate waffle.